The emotional cost of caring
Dan Fleshbourne, seen with his wife Nicci, says his life has changed following a carer’s assessment
Carers assessment helps Lincoln man recognise his life of caring for others was causing damage to himself.
Dan Fleshbourne grew up fast – by the age of six, he took on the responsibility of caring for his mum who was struggling with her mental health, and also for two brothers who each had their own complex needs and conditions.
At eight years old, he was responsible for the family’s cleaning, cooking, shopping and the general emotional support for those who needed him. It was hard for a boy who was also coping with the demands of school and the world outside.
Now, he also cares for his wife Nicci, who suffers from a number of health issues, including type 2 diabetes and sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Caring for others has become a way of life for Dan – but it was starting to come at a cost.
“Over the years, caring for other people had a massive effect on my own mental and physical health,” explained Dan. “By the time I reached my mid-30s, I had ballooned to about 23 stone and I was struggling to cope with it all. Juggling all the different aspects wore me down and there were some very dark times.
“I really wasn’t coping very well and definitely wasn’t looking after myself and I remember sitting in my car and thinking: ‘I could just drive into a wall or something.’
Support is out there
However, in 2018, during a visit from an occupational therapist for Nicci at the couple’s Lincoln home, Dan was told that he was eligible for a carers assessment.
A carers assessment is a conversation offered through the Lincolnshire Carers Service, giving carers the opportunity to reflect on their own situation and explore what might help them in their caring role and in their day-to-day life. All carers can access this support free of charge.
“I knew nothing about this at all at the time, but I knew I was desperate,” added Dan. “I was trying to juggle everything - my mum, my brothers, our kids, and Nicci’s needs. I was going from one crisis to another. When you are a carer, there are expectations on you, some of which you put on yourself. You either just carry on or you get swallowed up. I hadn’t noticed what it was doing to me.”
Such was the impact of Dan’s carers assessment that he now looks back on his life as two different phases - ‘pre assessment’ and ‘post assessment’. He admits to now having more balance in his life, even working as a mental health practitioner in a shift-based system that he can work around his caring commitments.
“Looking back, before I had the assessment, I think I had to get to a point where I was burned out before I found the strength and the support to make a change,” Dan added.
“But I would advise other carers not to get into that situation, there is support out there if you look for it. It’s easy to think that no-one other than you could care properly for your loved one, but that is not the case.”
To find out more about the range of support available, please visit www.lincolnshirecarersservice.org.uk.
Ensuring carers can’t be overlooked
There are an estimated 70,000 unpaid carers in Lincolnshire, supporting family members and friends who have a disability, a mental or physical illness or need extra help as they grow older.
They are the backbone of our communities. However, all too often the challenges they face can be overlooked.
Cllr Steve Clegg, executive member for adult care and health, said:
“Many carers can often feel overwhelmed. So, although there’s already support available, from both the council and its partners, our ambition is to do more.
“Earlier this year, we held a Carers Innovation and Improvement Workshop, bringing people together to look at how this can be achieved.
“We want to give carers a strong voice in shaping the services designed to support them, so they can feel the benefit in their daily lives. Because when carers thrive, the people they support thrive as well, creating a real win-win.
“Caring is a universal experience. At some point in our lives, every one of us will give care, receive care or both. That means this is about all of us.”
